‎"We cannot withhold facts for fear of offending because the importance of the information outweighs people's right to not be challenged in their beliefs."
-Maddie Reid

Friday, June 10, 2011

Considering a third...

Something has been on my mind a lot lately and I'm going to try to work through it a bit here. When I was pregnant with Olivia, I sorta wanted a natural birth...didn't really see it as THAT big of a deal. I think I was more afraid of getting an epidural because it involved a big a$$ needle in my back more then I was afraid of the side effects. Well, after being induced at 33w5d and being in labor for 48 hours, I ended up with a c-section. After I had her, I said I'd get another c-section because it'd be easier.

Well, it didn't take long for me to change my tune on THAT thought. I started researching c-sections and the things it can do to your body. The fact that it's not just any old procedure...it is MAJOR abdominal surgery. There are so many short and long term side effects that can occur with a c-section to both the mother and the baby and the more you have, the more you issues can occur. You could have scar tissue, it can affect your organs surrounding your uterus, you have an increased risk of needing a hysterectomy, increased risk of placenta previa...that's just SOME of the risk factors with c-sections. The fact is that babies were simply NOT meant to be taken out of your belly with a scalpel. Our bodies were made to give birth to babies from our vaginas. It is the most natural thing in the world...women in coma's have given birth to babies...our bodies just KNOW what to do. <<<Tangent

So when I was pregnant with Ella, I was fully commited to having a V-BAC. I went into my doctors office and I said "i'm having a V-BAC." I didn't say that I wanted to have a V-BAC, I said I was having one. I KNEW I wasn't having another c-section. Not. A. CHANCE. I was drinking red raspberry leaf tea starting around 10 or 11 weeks to help strengthen my uterus, I had a doula, I had a ton of support from my OB, friends and family and I was looking into the different birth classes I could take to help me during birth (hypno birthing, lamaze etc). Then at 24 weeks, BAM, I was hit with the ONE thing I totally did NOT expect. Blood pressure issues...again. Just a week prior to being put on bedrest, I was at my doula's house and I had just passed my glucose test. I told her "Yay! I'm not high risk!" HA! I honest to God did NOT expect that I would get pre eclampsia again. I was on strict bedrest starting at 24 weeks. I immediately started taking different herbal remedies and made a dramatic change in my diet. It helped, of that I have no doubt, but it wasn't long before nothing was helping anymore. By 28 weeks, I was hospitalized. 2 days later, I was transferred to a higher risk hospital that was connected to a higher level NICU because the hospital I was at couldn't handle babies born before 32 weeks. Nothing can possibly describe the extreme terror and grief that I was feeling. It was a matter of days they told me, hours even. Everytime they took my blood pressure, I would try to relax and calm myself. I was doing EVERYTHING I could to keep my sweet Ella inside of me for as long as possible.

2 or 3 days before I delivered Ella, I had another bomb dropped on me. They told me I HAD to have another c-section. Say WHAT? Oh man, I argued with them. You wouldn't BELIEVE how I argued with them. Every single person in that hospital knew who I was because I spoke to every. single. doctor in that place. All of 'em. Doctors, nurses, the head hospital people. I was one of THOSE patients. But, alas, it just wasn't happening. I had to prepare for another c-section. I was absolutely heartbroken. My grief was strengthened by the fact that not only was I going to have an extremely premature baby but she was going to be cut out of me in a sterile white room.

Why am I writing all of this you may wonder? Well...after Ella was born (and right before) we said, NO more kids! Absolutely not. It was too dangerous. I had gotten severe pre-e with both of my girls. But now....well, I just don't know. We had always planned on having 3-4 kids. And we'd also always said we wanted to adopt an older child but I had wanted at least one more infant. I wasn't prepared for Ella to be my last nursling or the last baby I would grow inside of me and feel kick me. I wasn't prepared for the idea that I would never again go through the excitmenet of a positive pregnancy test and the choosing of names and the experience of watching my belly grow with our child within it. So now we are here at a crossroads. (Well not really as I don't want to get pregnant yet.) Do we risk it? Do we have another baby? There are SO many natural things you can do to prevent pre-e. Dietary, exercise, herbal things...and they've been known to work for a lot of people the second time around....however...I'm not the second time around. I'd be the third time around. So we have fears that it wouldn't work.

Then I have to ask myself...what is my reason for wanting a third? Obviously, I would love a third child. I love my children, I adore being a mother and I've always wanted more then 2 kids. BUT...there is adoption. And we always wanted to adopt. I have to ask myself...do I want a third moreso because I want to "do it right"? I'm a natural birth advocate...who has never had a natural birth. I've never pushed a baby out of my body. I've never experienced the rush that must come with the moment when you have that final push and your baby is delivered into this world. How desperately I want to experience that. I can't even put it into words how much trauma I feel to have only had c-sections of premature babies.

So here I am. I have a dear friend who had a 29 weeker as well due to pre eclampsia and HELLP syndrom and went through Birth Trauma therapy and after Ella is a little less reliant on my breasts, I intend on going through it as well. I hope that will help me work through this internal struggle I'm experiencing.


  1. I will tell you that there is probably some grieving that needs to be done when you can't experience what you truly thought you would.

    As much as I look forward to my future child that comes into our home through adoption, there is still a sense of loss. I will never be pregnant. I will never see my belly grow or feel a baby move inside me. I will never push a baby from my body.
    I have heard from other adoptive mothers that this doesn't all go away once you have your child in your arms.

    Maybe that was too far off topic.. but I just want you to know that if you really want it, sometimes nothing can replace it no matter how hard you try.

  2. Hello,
    I have a quick question for you about your site. If you could please get back to me as soon as possible I would greatly appreciate it. Have a great day!

    Dan Gilbert
    Communications Coordinator
    Primrose Schools

  3. Just wanted to say, I hear you. I'm currently cooking #2 after delivering #1 at 34 weeks thanks to severe pre-e. I was successfully induced, which I am incredibly grateful for. However, I still feel a sense of loss, and guilt. I was far less well informed then, and feel that the doctors took all decisions and choices from me. I feel loss for those last miserable weeks of pregnancy, for having natural, non-pit-induced ctx, for having my water break, and mostly for not having my son in my arms more than an hour or two a day for the first weeks of his life. I hoping and praying that this pregnancy has a different outcome, and taking some (hopefully) preventative measures. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best, and strongly encourage the birth trauma therapy. You deserve release! <3