Friday, June 10, 2011
Something has been on my mind a lot lately and I'm going to try to work through it a bit here. When I was pregnant with Olivia, I sorta wanted a natural birth...didn't really see it as THAT big of a deal. I think I was more afraid of getting an epidural because it involved a big a$$ needle in my back more then I was afraid of the side effects. Well, after being induced at 33w5d and being in labor for 48 hours, I ended up with a c-section. After I had her, I said I'd get another c-section because it'd be easier.
Well, it didn't take long for me to change my tune on THAT thought. I started researching c-sections and the things it can do to your body. The fact that it's not just any old procedure...it is MAJOR abdominal surgery. There are so many short and long term side effects that can occur with a c-section to both the mother and the baby and the more you have, the more you issues can occur. You could have scar tissue, it can affect your organs surrounding your uterus, you have an increased risk of needing a hysterectomy, increased risk of placenta previa...that's just SOME of the risk factors with c-sections. The fact is that babies were simply NOT meant to be taken out of your belly with a scalpel. Our bodies were made to give birth to babies from our vaginas. It is the most natural thing in the world...women in coma's have given birth to babies...our bodies just KNOW what to do. <<<Tangent
So when I was pregnant with Ella, I was fully commited to having a V-BAC. I went into my doctors office and I said "i'm having a V-BAC." I didn't say that I wanted to have a V-BAC, I said I was having one. I KNEW I wasn't having another c-section. Not. A. CHANCE. I was drinking red raspberry leaf tea starting around 10 or 11 weeks to help strengthen my uterus, I had a doula, I had a ton of support from my OB, friends and family and I was looking into the different birth classes I could take to help me during birth (hypno birthing, lamaze etc). Then at 24 weeks, BAM, I was hit with the ONE thing I totally did NOT expect. Blood pressure issues...again. Just a week prior to being put on bedrest, I was at my doula's house and I had just passed my glucose test. I told her "Yay! I'm not high risk!" HA! I honest to God did NOT expect that I would get pre eclampsia again. I was on strict bedrest starting at 24 weeks. I immediately started taking different herbal remedies and made a dramatic change in my diet. It helped, of that I have no doubt, but it wasn't long before nothing was helping anymore. By 28 weeks, I was hospitalized. 2 days later, I was transferred to a higher risk hospital that was connected to a higher level NICU because the hospital I was at couldn't handle babies born before 32 weeks. Nothing can possibly describe the extreme terror and grief that I was feeling. It was a matter of days they told me, hours even. Everytime they took my blood pressure, I would try to relax and calm myself. I was doing EVERYTHING I could to keep my sweet Ella inside of me for as long as possible.
2 or 3 days before I delivered Ella, I had another bomb dropped on me. They told me I HAD to have another c-section. Say WHAT? Oh man, I argued with them. You wouldn't BELIEVE how I argued with them. Every single person in that hospital knew who I was because I spoke to every. single. doctor in that place. All of 'em. Doctors, nurses, the head hospital people. I was one of THOSE patients. But, alas, it just wasn't happening. I had to prepare for another c-section. I was absolutely heartbroken. My grief was strengthened by the fact that not only was I going to have an extremely premature baby but she was going to be cut out of me in a sterile white room.
Why am I writing all of this you may wonder? Well...after Ella was born (and right before) we said, NO more kids! Absolutely not. It was too dangerous. I had gotten severe pre-e with both of my girls. But now....well, I just don't know. We had always planned on having 3-4 kids. And we'd also always said we wanted to adopt an older child but I had wanted at least one more infant. I wasn't prepared for Ella to be my last nursling or the last baby I would grow inside of me and feel kick me. I wasn't prepared for the idea that I would never again go through the excitmenet of a positive pregnancy test and the choosing of names and the experience of watching my belly grow with our child within it. So now we are here at a crossroads. (Well not really as I don't want to get pregnant yet.) Do we risk it? Do we have another baby? There are SO many natural things you can do to prevent pre-e. Dietary, exercise, herbal things...and they've been known to work for a lot of people the second time around....however...I'm not the second time around. I'd be the third time around. So we have fears that it wouldn't work.
Then I have to ask myself...what is my reason for wanting a third? Obviously, I would love a third child. I love my children, I adore being a mother and I've always wanted more then 2 kids. BUT...there is adoption. And we always wanted to adopt. I have to ask myself...do I want a third moreso because I want to "do it right"? I'm a natural birth advocate...who has never had a natural birth. I've never pushed a baby out of my body. I've never experienced the rush that must come with the moment when you have that final push and your baby is delivered into this world. How desperately I want to experience that. I can't even put it into words how much trauma I feel to have only had c-sections of premature babies.
So here I am. I have a dear friend who had a 29 weeker as well due to pre eclampsia and HELLP syndrom and went through Birth Trauma therapy and after Ella is a little less reliant on my breasts, I intend on going through it as well. I hope that will help me work through this internal struggle I'm experiencing.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Day in and day out, I'm reminded that being "crunchy" is one of the most difficult things! I was recently accused by someone that the only reason I cared about the things I did (including being very passionate about breastfeeding) was because it was "the cool thing to do". Really? Is it? I don't think so. Being mainstream would be wayyyyy easier. How many times does someone face problems with formula feeding and someone says, "you should try breastfeeding instead!" or if you're doing CIO with your baby, you're not often told to stop CIO and cuddle your baby to sleep....I could go on and on. It can be SO exhausting being passionate about these things. So why do I talk about them? Why do I have this blog? Why have I lost people I THOUGHT were my friends (whom obviously weren't if they couldn't handle the fact that I dared to think different then them) just because I share my views, thoughts, ideals and opinions?
I ask myself this question a lot. I even thought about no longer writing this blog and focusing on The Good Letdown and my most recent project, a support group for preemie parents Breastmilk for Preemies. Breastfeeding is probably the thing I am MOST passionate about hands down so I really just thought that I should just drop everything else, enjoy my large group of girlfriends who feel very similarly to my crunchy beliefs and focus on my breastfeeding blogs and groups. That's a big reason why I haven't posted on here for so long. Then I realized...if any person who had made change in this world had felt the same way, had just backed off because people didn't like what they had to say, we'd still be whipping slaves and women wouldn't be able to work or wear pants. NOT that I'm comparing myself to those who abolished slavery or who fought so passionately and dedicated themselves to the women's rights movement....but they didn't shut their mouths and neither will I. I am not saying I will change the world, I am not out to do that. I am just here in this tiny little corner of the internet, writing what I believe.
And yes, I do believe it to be right. I believe that the way I raise my children is right. I believe that the things I am passionate about are right. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again...if I didn't believe they were right, I wouldnt' do them, now would I? Would you ever do something you believed was wrong? I mean, unless you're a criminal or a sociopath, do you honestly go through life and go against what you firmly believe is the correct thing to do? Obviously we all make mistakes. While I try to parent in a gentle way, I yell too much. My hand occasionally flies out before my brain stops it. Without a doubt, I screw up. But I try to always do what I believe is right! ............I got off on a tangent there....not at all unlike me for those of you who know and love me. (And for those who know and hate me, you know that's not unlike me either...and I bet you have a fun time picking at it. Here's something new to be added to the pile! :)
So what is the point of this blog post in particular? Well, I guess it's just to come back into the fold of things and say, no, I'm not gone. And to just sort through my feelings. Because really, that's what this blog is for. The main purpose of this was for myself. Yes, I'm that selfish. I have made a lot of new changes in my thoughts and opinions lately and I'm still sorting through them. I'm constantly doing research and trying to work through life just as anyone else is. And this blog is a way for me to work through my own brain. If other people want to come along for the ride, be my guest. If you can't handle what I have to say, for goodness sakes, don't read it! If I offend you SO greatly, pass on by. Another reason I'm writing this is because I personally enjoy hearing about other peoples lives and parenting styles, but I would be especially interested to learn about anyone who made a dramatic change in their life. I have a friend who used to be a mormon...and now she's not. That's a MAJOR dramatic change. I'm FASCINATED by that. I'm fascinated by people who pick up their stake in life and dramatically change it. I've dramatically changed in my views of life and parenting and those changes are still occuring so I'm blogging about it (how many times can I use the word change and dramatic huh?! I need a thesaurus hahah!).
I know, I know, this blog post is kind of all over the place and not the most well written. It's just a quick glance into the mess that is my brain...just me sorting through some crap in my own head. If I keep going on, I'll just end up repeating myself over and over again. But I'm still here. I'm still blogging. I'm not going anywhere. If you don't like what I have to say, just move along. Find something else to do with your time. :D